On a Quest for Perfect Scrambled Eggs

(Come fry with me)

For this post, I wanted to find a clip from the Netflix show BoJack Horseman where Todd (Aaron Paul) is mindlessly making eggs and singing it to the tune of “God Bless America.” It goes like this:

It’s both hilarious and a great bit because who doesn’t narrate their lives to alternate lyrics of popular songs? (For example, I broke my brain for months after subbing in “Ottolenghi” for Stevie Wonder’s “Golden Lady.”)

Anyway, I can’t track down the video of the BoJack clip (probably because Netflix is litigious), but if you search around the internet for results relating to “god bless these scrambled eggs,” there is a lot of content that has nothing to do with the TV show. People are blessing their scrambled eggs willy-nilly out there.

What this three-minute trip down the rabbit hole leads me to believe is that (1) I have other things I should be doing with my time (2) cooking scrambled eggs is a holy experience that most religions have failed to appreciate.

There is a lot in the liturgy out there about bread, but virtually none (to my knowledge) about scrambled eggs. That said, there is something very elemental about scrambled eggs. It takes a pan, heat, a fat, and eggs, all of which are considered kitchen staples. (It’s the one of the few ways that vegetarians don’t wither away that doesn’t involve mainlining tempeh.) And scrambling eggs involves the mystical act of turning an item from liquid to solid(ish).

I’m aware that I’m thinking too much about this—it’s very cold and I haven’t left the house much—but having made scrambled eggs hundreds of times in my life, I hadn’t really ventured to think about the process. The times I’ve had EXCELLENT scrambled eggs out in the world, I’ve just sort of acknowledged it without trying to investigate further.

OF COURSE, my method has changed over the years—whether it’s adding milk or cream to give it heft or salsa to make an ersatz migas. But no bigger consideration really. Then, last week, chef and writer Kenji López-Alt devoted several hundred words to the theories and physics behind the perfect scrambled eggs. His process involves:

  • Mixing a slurry of potato/tapioca/corn starch with the eggs

  • Going with medium-high heat instead of low and slow

  • Adding water to the pan (and letting it evaporate) just before cooking

  • Adding a boatload of butter to both the eggs and the pan

And much like religious observance, people have their own (very) crazy ideas about scrambling eggs and HATE to be told how to do it.

Chopsticks? Sparkling water? Another commenter even said they never use any butter or oil at all (but may have been a plant for Big Palmolive).

Look, here at The Crunchwrap, we’re not going to tell you how to scramble your eggs. That said, this recipe produced the best eggs I’ve ever made, which I threw on top of a toasted tortilla covered in cheddar. God bless.

Additional media:

— If you don’t have the NYT Cooking sub, Kenji kindly made a video of his technique.

— Scrambled eggs also inspired Paul McCartney to write the song “Yesterday,” which is the most covered song in pop music history.