A Formal Study of Taco Bell's Cheez-It Crunchwrap
Plus say 'Craig Claiborne's chicken salad' five times fast
Dear Friends,
Happy weekend from The Crunchwrap! This past week was my Birthday Week™, which was spent – to quote Leaves of Grass – court[ing] destruction with taunts.
Without flinching, I went to New York’s newest attraction Little Island at the height of selfie season. (Meh.) I rode an electric Citi Bike across the Manhattan Bridge. (Very fun.) I finally met two internet friends IN REAL LIFE. (Would recommend.)
But, as usual, the biggest test of age and stamina was at the drive-thru.
First Crunch
Among many feats of (very specialized) strength this week, trying Taco Bell’s new Cheez-It Crunchwrap was the boldest. As you might know, the Cheez-It Crunchwrap is a cross-conglomerate/cross-promotional mash-up by Yum Brands and Kellogg’s and, more importantly, a variation on this newsletter’s semi-official1 inspiration.
For the woefully uninitiated, the formal definition of a Crunchwrap is a flour tortilla folded around seasoned beef, nacho cheese, a tostada shell, lettuce, and then grilled. Less formally, it’s a perfect entity. You can add tomatoes and sour cream to make a Crunchwrap Supreme, but you don’t need to. And the breakfast version is somehow even better. High-falutin’ restaurants and lowbrow recipes sites have been stealing it for years. (Google Crunchwrap Knockoffs and be amazed.)
The problem with everyday perfect entities (twilight with low humidity, Billy Joel at the Garden) is that people tend to overlook them. Take them for granted. And so, I choose to believe Taco Bell’s decision to adulterate its perfect entity with a Cheez-It is a way for the company to actually point out that what we have in this world is already perfect enough.2
How the Cheez-It Crunchwrap differs from the classic is that instead of a tostada shell, there’s a giant Cheez-It, manufactured to scale and fit snugly within the toasted tortilla – the Crunchwrap’s edible reliquary. From the outside, it looks no different. But would it taste different? Better even? Inquiring minds (my fellow dirtbag friends) wanted to know. Anyway, here is the verdict:
The Cheez-It not only lacks the traditional (and gratifying) crunch of the tostada shell, it doesn’t add the zing that the Doritos Locos shell…especially the dearly departed and discontinued Cool Ranch version…did for the original taco.
As I continue to age, I take the Cheez-It Crunchwrap as an object lesson in being grateful for the Crunchwraps I already have.
NYT Cooking Comment Watch
One of my many unremarkable food hacks is to buy the family-size version of a supermarket protein or sale vegetable. Then, I cook a ton of it at once and have it to snack on throughout the week. Last week, I roasted three pounds of bone-in chicken thighs on the grill for dinner and then had a ton left over to make chicken salad. And when I was searching for a recipe, I stumbled over one by reviewer/chef/innoventor Craig Claiborne for chicken salad sandwiches from the 1990s.
Now, food people tend to go nuts at the mention of Craig Claiborne and rightfully so. As one essayist characterized his contributions to American food culture for Saveur:
Thanks to Claiborne…"a nation of Puritans discovered food was a pleasure, and like sex, you could do it at home". Previously, the subject of food in newspapers had been limited to sections on entertaining and homemaking that were aimed at women. Claiborne's extensive knowledge of and passion for food (developed from his observing his mother in the kitchen, traveling to Asia and Africa during his time in the navy, and studying at the École Hoteliere in Lausanne, Switzerland) turned a whole new audience on to food writing. His voice was authoritative but friendly, and in his weekly Food News column, he explored everything from caviar and couscous to down-home dishes like his mother's famous chicken spaghetti.
Culinary hagiography aside, I will say that parsley, capers, and red wine vinegar do make for a pretty exciting chicken salad.3 But the recipe didn’t make for particularly good comments. A lot of people seem to think it’s reasonable to put grapes in chicken salad and honestly, I don’t really want to hear about it. Other, more reasonable suggestions were to add a dash of Montreal Steak Seasoning or a “microplane of nutmeg” or a squeeze of lemon juice to the recipe or to buy a rotisserie chicken from the grocery rather than poaching your own chicken.
David B., however, was not having it.
You can tell DB is a classic internet commenter because he scolds people for riffing or improvising on a recipe before sort of announcing that he himself is going to mess with the recipe or perfect it himself somehow. Thank you for being you, David.
Nu, What Else?
Amil Niazi’s piece on the Millennial midlife crisis for The Cut is very good.
Planet Money recently re-upped its interesting and reasonable episode breaking down how much the average U.S. taxpayer ultimately pays in military aid to Ukraine and Israel, adding some context on how the aid is spent and the strategies the aid theoretically support.
Here’s a great piece (among many) by Jay Caspian Kang about summer camps and how the self-reliance and independence they were once supposed to instill have been replaced by an all-encompassing busyness that dominates life.
Finally….this:
That’s it for this week. Thanks as always for reading!
With love,
Adam
For legal reasons
And to goose a quarterly report, but let’s not be cynical on my birthday week
And if you can’t get excited about chicken salad, you haven’t had the right chicken salad.